


the thread that binds us

by stupidbadgers



Series: lone wolf no more (i hold you in my heart) [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Depression, Dogteeth Hatake Kakashi, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Wolf Hatake Kakashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25487008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidbadgers/pseuds/stupidbadgers
Summary: kakashi had just finished a three-week mission and all he wanted was to go home and cuddle into iruka's arms. what he found, however, was the aftermath of mizuki convincing naruto to steal a forbidden scroll.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Series: lone wolf no more (i hold you in my heart) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1778071
Comments: 8
Kudos: 198
Collections: KakaIru Mini Bang 2020





	the thread that binds us

**Author's Note:**

> this took me much longer to complete than i intended, but it's done now! \o/ 
> 
> this is set shortly after [part 1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24542794). 
> 
> **CONTENT WARNING:** there is a brief moment of what could be considered suicidal ideation. if you have any questions or concerns about this, please leave a comment or message me on tumblr (linked in the end notes).
> 
> pls enjoy~~

He didn’t know _what_ was wrong, but he knew _something_ was wrong. Kakashi had that feeling, that something was _wrong_ with Iruka. Their bond hummed with the knowledge. Despite feeling Iruka, he couldn’t feel the pull of Iruka. He had just finished a three-week mission and all he wanted was to go home and cuddle into his mate’s arms. 

He completed a shunshin to the Compound, moving into the house. 

“Iruka? Iruka, are you here?” he called out. When he got no reply, he flickered through the hand signs to shunshin to the Academy. 

The other man’s classroom was dark. 

Kakashi couldn’t figure out where the hell Iruka was but he needed to find him. His anxiety was growing as the feeling of _wrong_ settled deeper into his bones. He suppressed the urge to growl. Anger was taking root amongst the anxiety. 

He didn’t risk using more chakra on another shunshin, opting to run to the mission office instead. Perhaps someone there would know something that could help Kakashi. 

The place was bustling with activity, jounin and chuunin scattered about in groups, speaking quietly to one another. All noise stopped when Kakashi stepped into the mission room, eyes averting looking at the man. He didn’t understand the reaction, but spotted Asuma. He made a beeline for him, hoping the man would explain what was going on. A tension was in the air, one that couldn’t be blamed on Kakashi’s anxieties over Iruka. 

“Kakashi, what are you doing here?” Asuma asked. His hand reached for his pocket before returning to his side. “Didn’t anyone tell you?" 

“Tell me what?” 

Asuma looked around at the room, taking in all the eyes that were not looking at them, but definitely focused on them. 

“Not here, let’s go,” Asuma replied gruffly, pushing Kakashi’s shoulder to lead him from the room. Kakashi let him, if only because it seemed he would finally get answers. 

The path they walked after leaving the building was familiar, but Kakashi was barely paying attention to it. 

“No one is quite sure what happened,” Asuma started to say, “but it sounds like Naruto stole one of the forbidden scrolls and Iruka went after him. Somehow Iruka ended up with a fuma shuriken in his back and that chuunin Mizuki was arrested.” 

Kakashi stopped breathing, stopped moving. Everything stayed still and silent around him as his vision narrowed. 

Asuma continued, “last I heard, Iruka was in surgery. My dad's at the hospital right now with him and Naruto. Listen—hey, Kakashi, wait!” 

Kakashi was gone though, moving faster than he ever had in his life. He had to get to his mate. 

He didn’t wait for the nurse at the front desk to give him directions, he simply followed the pull of Iruka, the one that he had felt for years, the one that was there again. It was weak though, fading as if Iruka’s life itself was fading. This thought scared Kakashi, scared him more than he had ever been before. It pushed him to move quicker, skidding around the corner of the corridor. 

At the end, outside one of the operating theaters was the Hokage, slightly hunched with his head tilted down, his wide-brimmed hat covering his face. Two ANBU appeared in the hallway as Kakashi rushed toward the end, stopping him. 

“Iruka! Is Iruka alright?” Kakashi called out, trying to push past. 

“Hatake-san, please calm down,” one of the ANBU said. 

The Hokage looked up at the three shinobi. Kakashi didn’t think he had seen the man look that tired since he had taken upon the mantle of Hokage the second time, but his eyes showed an exhaustion so deep that Kakashi wondered how he still managed. 

“Sir, is Iruka... is he...?” 

“Let him through,” the Third told his ANBU detail, who promptly disappeared. “He is still in surgery. The injury he suffered was severe and I was told was quite close to his spine. He also suffered other minor injuries from kunai and shuriken alike. If Naruto hadn’t been there to save him, well...” 

Kakashi let the information sink in, his heart pounding in his chest. How could he have not been there to protect him? How could he have let something like this happen to his mate? 

His brain continued to work while his heart dealt with his emotions. 

“Naruto,” Kakashi said. “What happened?” 

“The details are not clear yet and as far as I am aware, T&I is still interrogating Mizuki,” Sarutobi said. A growl ripped from Kakashi’s chest at the name, killing intent permeating the air. The ANBU reappeared, weapons at the ready. “Control yourself, dear boy.” To his ANBU, he said, “dismissed.” 

Kakashi took in a breath before slowly exhaling, wrapping all of his chakra into himself, coiling it into a tight ball in his center. 

“What happened with Naruto?” 

He was concerned about the boy, knew that there had to be an explanation. He had many regrets in his life, but not taking care of the son of his sensei was one of his biggest. It wasn’t enough to have just checked in on him a few times and to scare off a few villagers who had been brave enough to try to assault the child. 

Kakashi also knew how much Naruto meant to Iruka. His mate saw himself in the orphan boy and could relate on a level many didn’t try to. 

“He is currently with Cat in a room here at the hospital. He suffered minor injuries and just a small amount of chakra depletion.” 

The jounin sighed. He trusted Cat with his life, could trust him with Naruto’s as well. He slumped down the wall opposite the Hokage, his knees brought up, arms resting on them. 

“I have faith that he will be alright, Kakashi,” the Hokage said quietly. “Iruka is... strong and stubborn. I expect he will survive this and much more.” 

Kakashi looked up at the leader of his village, hoping the man was right. 

*** 

It was several hours later that a nurse came out and told the two men that Iruka had made it through surgery. She told them that a doctor would be out to speak with them shortly while they moved Iruka to his room in Intensive Care. 

Kakashi paced until one of the medi-nin came out. The Hokage stood, waiting for the doctor to speak. 

“It was touch and go for awhile and he crashed once. Between the other wounds and the depth of the major wound in his back, he lost a lot of blood, not to mention the trauma his body suffered. There were several poisons in his system as well, but antidotes were administered for those. His recovery will be rough. The blade very nearly severed his spine, missing it by a fraction. I’ll have the nurse prepare instructions on how to care for the wound and what precautions to take, though I expect he will be here for at least a few more days for observation. You should be able to see him in his room now, though.” 

The Hokage nodded, the gesture dismissing the other nin. 

“I need to see him,” Kakashi said, already moving toward the pull of Iruka. It had become stronger again. 

“Remember to keep yourself together, Kakashi. It is quite late now, why don’t you go see Iruka and I will visit in the morning. You should also try to get some sleep yourself. Your mission report can wait until tomorrow as well.” 

Kakashi nodded before taking off to find Iruka’s room. 

Upon finding it, he sensed the chakra of two ANBU outside the door, though he couldn’t see them. He passed through the door with no problems, entering quietly. Outside he found another ANBU. Either Sarutobi thought Iruka needed protection or Iruka was considered a threat to the village. Neither option pleased Kakashi. 

What he saw made Kakashi freeze in his tracks. Iruka was stretched out on his stomach, his arms tucked to his sides. His head was turned toward Kakashi, his hair tucked up on the pillow above his head. He had his brow furrowed, though he appeared to be sleeping still. White bandages were wrapped around his torso, covering his shoulder blades entirely. His soulprints peeked from beneath the bandages, trailing up his shoulder 

The sight of his love so terribly exposed, vulnerable, pulled at Kakashi’s heart. He walked slowly to Iruka, standing next to the bed. He gently touched the bandages, his fingers barely brushing them. The tingle that emanated between the two thrummed gently. Dragging his fingers along Iruka’s arm, Kakashi clasped Iruka’s hand. He sat in the chair by the bed, holding tight onto Iruka, like if he loosened his grip just a little, the man would disappear. 

*** 

The first time Kakashi saw the jagged wound under the bandages, he nearly lost control of himself. It cut through Iruka’s back, right between his shoulder blades, tearing at the soulprints there. 

The ANBU named Cat had physically removed Kakashi from the room, while the older man snarled and growled, killing intent pouring off of him. 

“You have to calm down, senpai!” Cat pled with him. 

“I’m going to rip that bastard traitor to pieces with my bare hands! There won’t be anything left of him when I’m done. He hurt Iruka, he nearly killed him!” Kakashi raged. His kohai had never seen Kakashi lose such control before. 

Kakashi could feel the shift in bones, the one that meant he would soon be a wolf instead of a man. He had to calm himself before he did that. It would not bode well for Hatake Kakashi to suddenly become a wolf in the middle of the hospital. 

“Tenzou,” Kakashi said, looking at the ANBU who huffed at being referred to by name, “watch him, I’ll be back. There’s something I have to do.” 

“Senpai, where are you going?” Tenzou asked, but Kakashi was already gone. 

*** 

He made it to the Compound quick enough, his form shifting as soon as he was inside the gates. There had only been a handful of times that he had shifted to his wolf form because he lost control of his emotions. Rage was still emanating from his entire being. Iruka’s beautiful soulprints had been marred, destroyed by that _traitor._

An errant thought came to him, making Kakashi crouch, a snarl pulling his muzzle up. He tried to focus his mind though, look for the bond that was between him and Iruka. If he focused hard enough, he could feel it, could tell how Iruka felt from it. Those damn books he had scoffed at were full of more information on how to do this. Maybe he should take the time to go through the books again. 

_Focus_ , he told himself. 

Kakashi tried to center himself, pull away from the anger that radiated through him. He focused on the bond, the pull to Iruka. It manifested itself into a cord, tightly woven blues and greens, glowing brightly. It wound around Kakashi, all of him, but not restricting his movements, more like settling upon him as a piece of armor would, protecting him. 

_It’s still there, it’s still strong,_ Kakashi repeated in his head like a mantra. He feared it had been damaged, weakened because of the state of Iruka’s back. 

He studied it closer. A fine red string ran through it, wrapped tightly in the blues and greens. When he touched it, emotion not his own blasted through him; anger, hurt, pain, so much pain. Physical pain, emotional pain. Betrayal. Longing. 

Kakashi let go. 

He had to get himself under control so he could get back to Iruka. He pushed out of his crouch, tearing off through the woods, running as fast as his legs could take him. This was the best way to release the emotions bottled up inside him; the fear, the rage, the hate. He ran until his legs ached and then he ran more. Finally, Kakashi stopped. He didn’t know how long he had been running but the moon was high in the sky now, where the sun had been when he had started his run. 

He howled, a long, low mournful noise. His cries were echoed, but he was not approached. 

After standing for a few moments, taking in the night noises around him, Kakashi turned around, heading for home, for Iruka. 

*** 

“Where’s Kakashi?” Iruka asked the seemingly empty room quietly. 

Cat appeared across the dark room in the shadowed corner. 

“I’m not sure, but I will be here until he returns.” 

“If he returns,” Iruka mumbled. He could see the ANBU physically deflate at that, his rigid posture sinking ever so slightly. 

“He’ll be back, Iruka-sensei,” Cat replied, his tone soft. 

Iruka wished he could turn over, away from the mask that conveyed more emotion than a mask should. Kakashi had been removed from his room earlier that day, pushed into the hallway by the same ANBU that was standing in his room now. The anger and killing intent that had poured from Kakashi was stifling, but Iruka would have happily taken it over not having Kakashi there at all. 

He had tried to connect to their bond, but it had been weak, loose around him like it was barely holding on. Before, it had wrapped around him tightly, protecting him like armor. The colors were less vibrant than they had been and the red thread was fading. He didn’t understand why, what was causing it to behave like this. 

Iruka tried to think if the books had mentioned anything about this, but his mind was fuzzy from the medications the nurses kept administering to him. 

He slipped unconscious before he could think about it anymore. 

*** 

It was morning when Iruka woke again. He wondered what day it was. 

He realized a hand had ahold of his; his palm was tingling where it was held. 

“’Kashi?” he whispered. 

“You’re awake,” Kakashi said, sitting forward in the chair next to Iruka’s bed. “I didn’t want to wake you up when I got back.” 

“Where’d you go?” Iruka asked. 

“The forest. I had to run. Tenzou wouldn’t let me back in here until I calmed down and that was the only way. I’m sorry for leaving,” Kakashi said, using his free hand to brush Iruka’s hair from his face. The touch was tender and gentle. Iruka pushed his face into his boyfriend’s hand. 

They let the silence envelope them, soaking in the familiar comfortable feeling. Nurses came and went throughout the day to check Iruka’s vitals and his back. Iruka dozed off and on, the medications making him sleepy. Kakashi stayed with him the whole time. 

*** 

Kakashi had wanted to clean up after dinner, but Iruka had insisted that he could and banished Kakashi from the kitchen when the jounin wouldn’t stop hovering. He was worried though. Iruka had only been home a couple of days after spending nearly a week in the hospital. The medics had been very clear that he was not to lift, bend, or crouch, and that he should not try to lift his arms higher than his shoulders. In short, he was very restricted in his movements and abilities if he didn’t want to tear open the wound on his back. It was healing, quite well in fact given how large and deep it was and just how close to his spine it had been, but it still needed more time. 

So, banished to anywhere but the kitchen, Kakashi went to the living room. At least there he could still get to Iruka quickly if he needed help with something. All of Kakashi’s instincts were honed in on protecting his mate and he realized that he may have been a little overzealous in his taking care of Iruka. He didn’t feel guilty for it though. No, his guilt laid in the fact that he hadn’t been there to keep the whole damn thing from happening in the first place. If he ever saw that bastard Mizuki again, he was going to rip him limb from limb with his teeth. 

He stifled a growl that was making its way through his chest just as he heard a pained cry from the kitchen. Kakashi moved faster than if an enemy nin had been chasing him. Iruka was hunched over the sink, hands gripping the counter so hard his knuckles were white. Kakashi could tell his breathing was labored. If he had been able to see Iruka’s face through the curtain of hair, he would have seen the man’s eyes scrunched tight, tears flowing down his cheeks. 

“Iruka, what happened? Are you alright?” Kakashi asked as he got closer, slowing his approach to not startle the other man. 

Iruka whirled around, his face contorted in pain, “do I _look_ like I’m alright Kakashi?” 

Kakashi held up his hands placatingly, but didn’t get a chance to speak before Iruka continued. 

“I’m so tired of this. I can’t even clean up after dinner! I can’t take care of myself; I can’t do my fucking jobs. It would have been better if that damn thing had killed me!” 

Kakashi felt like he had been slapped. 

“You don’t mean that,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. “You can’t mean that.” 

Iruka’s eyes were filled with tears and fire, “don’t I? What good am I doing here?” 

Kakashi was at a loss for what to say. He didn’t know how he could fix this, _if_ he could fix this. Iruka turned back toward the sink, his hands disappearing into the basin before pulling out one of the bowls and hurtling it at the wall. It left a dent in the plaster as the shards fell to the floor. Another bowl followed it, along with two plates. 

Before Kakashi could react, the floor was littered with shattered porcelain. He could feel the rage pouring off of Iruka. The man was breathing heavily, the exertion of throwing so much dinnerware weighing on him. It didn’t stop him though, as he swept his arms across the countertop that had the items leftover from dinner on it. All of it fell to the floor with splat noises and clanging from cutlery. 

Sense finally returned to Kakashi as Iruka stomped to the small table they kept in the kitchen for the meals that were just the two of them. 

“Iruka, please, you need to stop,” Kakashi wasn’t above begging in the moment. He hadn’t seen Iruka this upset before, never in all their time together as friends or lovers. “If you’re not careful, you’ll open the wound.” 

Iruka didn’t pause in his rage, simply flung the table and chairs across the room. His hurricane of anger moved to the living room. He kicked at things and threw what he could pick up. Not once did he speak though, just labored for breath through gritted teeth, his face contorted in pain. 

Kakashi wanted to stop him, grab him and tell him to _stop this, he was going to hurt himself_ , but he knew he couldn’t. That would just cause more injury. 

“Love, you’ve got to calm down,” he tried. 

Iruka whirled to him again, eyes blazing in fury. 

“ _Calm down?_ ” he said, his jaw clenched tight. “Calm down, Kakashi? You want me to calm down? You know what I want? I want to not have a gaping wound in the middle of my back, one that will forever mar me, cutting through the mark I desperately love; one that will forever remind me of deceit and betrayal; one that will forever remind me that _I could have lost Naruto_.” 

“Iruka—” 

“No, Kakashi! You don’t get to tell me to calm down! You weren’t there.” Iruka was yelling, his voice wavering with tears. 

More guilt slammed into Kakashi, forcing the air from his lungs. 

Iruka’s yelling continued, “you didn’t have to listen to that bastard tell Naruto that no one would love him and no one cared about him. And you didn’t have to hear the vile things he said to me, things that I can’t get out of my head, that keep playing on repeat.” His breathing was more labored than before and his limbs seemed to give out. He landed in a crumpled heap, crying out as sharp pain radiated through his back. Sobs wracked his body, causing more sparks of pain. 

Kakashi wasn’t quick enough to catch Iruka before he collapsed, but kneeled in front of him, his legs caging Iruka’s as he gingerly held the man to his chest. Iruka pushed his face into the crook of Kakashi’s neck. 

“Why weren’t you there, ‘Kashi?” Iruka sobbed into his neck, breaking Kakashi’s heart into more pieces than the broken plates in the kitchen. 

“I’m sorry, Iruka, I’m so sorry,” Kakashi murmured into Iruka’s hair, rubbing his arms. He wanted nothing more than to be able to hold his mate tightly and tell him nothing bad would ever happen again. But he couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t promise something like that because they were shinobi and bad was a requisite of the job. 

“It hurts, Kakashi. Everything hurts. Why did he do this? Why did he try to kill _a child_? What if I hadn’t caught up to them? What if... what if I had been too late? If I had passed Naruto, he wouldn’t have even had a reason to steal that scroll.” 

“Iruka, this isn’t your fault and you cannot blame yourself. Mizuki would have found a way to manipulate Naruto no matter what. He had already made his decision.” 

“He was my friend. I thought he was my friend.” 

“I know, love.” 

“I’m tired, ‘Kashi,” Iruka mumbled. “I’m so tired.” 

Eventually, Kakashi felt Iruka’s breathing even out. The tension never slipped from his body, but Kakashi wasn’t surprised. He maneuvered Iruka enough so he could pick him up, channeling chakra to his legs to stand. He moved gingerly through the mess, careful not to jostle Iruka, who had wrapped his arms around Kakashi’s torso. 

He was careful to lay them down on their futon after reaching their bedroom, making sure Iruka was nowhere close to laying on his back. When he eventually got up to clean, he would have to move the pillows around to make sure Iruka didn’t roll to his back. For now, though, he would stay with Iruka, protect him now like he couldn’t protect him then. 

*** 

Kakashi laid there for over an hour with Iruka, attached to him like a man afraid of drowning clinging to a life preserver. His mind kept turning over things he could have done, could have said that would have changed something, _anything_. It didn’t matter that logically he knew there was nothing he could have done, the guilt that wracked him was emotionally driven and there was no fighting it. 

He moved Iruka gingerly, tucking the pillows around him to keep him from rolling. He closed the door to their room when he left, moving through their home on silent feet. He would start with cleaning the living room. 

Kakashi grabbed the broom from the kitchen on his way to the living room. Luckily Iruka hadn’t managed to smash too many things in there, though the lamps on the side tables would have to be replaced. He moved toward the built-in bookcase closest to him. Another was on the other side of the fireplace. Though they had a room that functioned as a library and office space, between the two of them their book collections spilled onto these shelves. Most of the shelves were used for knickknacks though; things given to Iruka by his students and by Kakashi himself. He had a habit of picking up tchotchkes that reminded him of Iruka when he was in other villages and bringing them home for the man. Framed pictures also littered the shelves; ones of Kakashi and Iruka, of them and their friends, of Iruka and his students from various years, several of Naruto and Iruka. 

Kakashi thought about the relationship between Iruka and Naruto while he cleaned. Iruka loved the boy like he was his own. It honestly surprised Kakashi that he hadn’t insisted on bringing him home and providing for him, but he hadn’t mentioned that to Iruka. Maybe he should have, maybe it would have prevented the events that had happened. He knew that Iruka saw himself in the boy, a lonely orphan acting out to get attention, even if that attention was negative. 

Kakashi should have done more for Naruto himself. He was, after all, his sensei’s son. But Kakashi had been selfish and drowning in his own guilt and grief when Naruto was born. Even after meeting Iruka, Kakashi was far from stable. He had tried to help from the shadows at times, but it had never been enough. But Naruto hadn’t deserved to be saddled with the mess that was Kakashi, not then and not now as his jounin-sensei. 

He didn’t think he was the right choice for this, hadn’t every time he had been assigned a genin team, but that hadn’t stopped the Sandaime from giving him a new one each time the Academy had a graduating class. And it hadn’t stopped Kakashi from failing each team. He was strict in what he felt made an excellent shinobi, qualities he would never waver on. Teamwork was the most important part of a team. He had learned that the hard way and he didn’t want anyone else to learn that way. 

Kakashi had been loath to leave Iruka's side again, but had gone to meet with the team anyway at Iruka's insistence. He didn't think these genin would pass it and he hated to waste his time when he could be with Iruka. 

Somehow, these three genin had managed to pass Kakashi’s test though. They hadn’t shown promise at first—Sasuke was too judgmental and broody, Sakura was too enraptured by Sasuke, and Naruto was... Naruto; his desire to beat Sasuke at _everything_ while simultaneously being completely distracted by Sakura was compelling, yet exhausting to watch. But then Sasuke did the improbable—he took pity on Naruto and shared his lunch, despite knowing it meant they would not pass. However, it showed that despite their differences, they were still a team and willing to take care of a comrade. That was what pushed Kakashi to pass them. 

Kakashi pulled from his thoughts. He had finished cleaning the living room and was in the kitchen, picking up the shards of porcelain. After he finished that, he cleaned the floors and counters. He was worried about Iruka. It was true the man had a temper, but it was never this physically volatile. Kakashi worried about the mental trauma plaguing Iruka. Every time Kakashi had tried to bring it up, Iruka would brush him off, say he was fine, change the subject. He wanted Iruka to open up to him, but he didn’t want to push him. 

Once everything was clean, he went back to their room. Iruka hadn’t moved from where Kakashi had left him. Kakashi shucked off his shirt and pants, opting to sleep in his boxers. He laid down next to Iruka, carefully tucking himself against the other man. Iruka shifted in his sleep, grasping Kakashi around the waist and holding tight like he thought Kakashi would disappear if he let go. He mumbled in his sleep. Kakashi ran his fingers through Iruka’s hair, the strands silky. Iruka made an appreciative noise, nuzzling further into Kakashi’s chest. 

Kakashi hoped that Iruka would talk to him soon, tell him what was going on in his mind, but he knew all too well how dark it could seem, how alone one could feel. He would remind Iruka he was here for him though, he would be Iruka’s rock, and he would make sure Iruka felt better. That was the least he could do for the man he loved. 

*** 

Iruka was quiet the next day. He had slept through the night, likely out of sheer exhaustion. He had been pushing himself harder than he was supposed to. The medics had been clear that he was supposed to take it easy, let others do things for him until he healed more, but he hated it, every moment of it. Mizuki’s voice was stuck in his head on repeat, telling him he was worthless and pathetic, that he would never amount to anything. It made him having to rely on other’s that much worse. 

As he sat on the couch, nursing a cup of tea that had been hot once, but was now cold, Iruka considered the things he had said to Kakashi the night before. He hadn’t meant to say all the things he had, but the words had just spilled from him once he started. 

His feelings were so jumbled, he had a difficult time parsing them out in his head. He didn’t want Kakashi to have to save him, but he obviously hadn’t been able to save himself and Naruto. Ultimately it was Naruto who had saved him. That said though, he didn’t actually blame Kakashi for not being there. He hadn’t known what was happening and wasn’t even in the village. It wasn’t his fault. Iruka knew that, but he still wished Kakashi had been there. 

Iruka sighed, the silence trying to suffocate him. He was waiting for Kakashi to get back. The Hokage had summoned him an hour previous and though he had elected to ignore the summons, Iruka forced him to answer, telling him he would be fine in the time it would take him to go see what the Third wanted. Kakashi couldn’t neglect his duties just for Iruka. 

He needed to fill his time with something he could actually do. His back still ached from the night before. 

He took a deep breath, focusing on the bond between the two of them. He hadn’t tried to reach it since that night in the hospital, when it was barely there. He was too scared of what he might find; that it might have been severed, lost to him to completely. The thought alone brought tears to Iruka’s eyes. He loved Kakashi so much and they were still learning about the bond, this thing that brought them closer together. What if Kakashi didn’t want to be together if it wasn’t there? What if that was the only thing holding them together? 

With his focus shifted from the bond to his thoughts and fears, he didn’t notice the other presence enter the room. 

“Yo,” Kakashi said quietly, sitting next to Iruka. 

The younger man opened his eyes, drinking in the sight before him. Kakashi looked like he always did, his hair defying gravity, a solitary grey eye smiling at him, his face mostly covered, but he took Iruka’s breath away every time. He loved this man more than anything. 

More tears slipped from his eyes as he ducked his head. 

“Do you love me, Kakashi?” Iruka asked, his voice thick. 

Kakashi blinked, caught off guard by the question. 

“Of course, why would you ask that?” 

Iruka’s voice was barely a whisper, “would you still love me if our bond was broken?” 

Kakashi turned to fully face Iruka, taking the empty mug from his hands and placing it on the table before grabbing Iruka’s hands, giving them a gentle squeeze. 

“My love, of course I would still love you. The bond is not what makes or breaks how I feel, it just adds another layer to it. Why would you think otherwise?” 

Iruka didn’t respond, just kept his head tucked low to his chest. Kakashi let go of one hand to gently grab Iruka’s chin, lifting the man’s head to look him in the eye. 

“Please talk to me.” 

Iruka sighed, the sound more of a shudder. “That night in the hospital, when you disappeared, I reached out for you through the bond, but I couldn’t find you. Before it was strong, the threads woven together to form... It was like a rope, but it would weave around me, like a shell, like it was protecting me. And there was a single red thread that ran through the others, bright and vibrant, strong. When I touched the thread, I would be able to feel your emotions intensely, more so than the glimpses I sometimes get. But that night in the hospital, it was weak, the red of the thread fading. It barely wrapped around me. What if... What if it’s been permanently damaged?” 

“It was strong when I got here that night. I checked it; I checked to make sure it was okay.” 

Iruka shook his head, “that doesn’t make sense. I know what I saw that night.” 

“Have you checked it since then?” 

“No,” he answered, quiet. “I was scared of what I might find.” 

“Why don’t we check together? Will that set your mind at ease?” Kakashi asked, his thumb stroking Iruka’s jaw. 

Iruka nodded once, hesitantly, before giving a couple more nods that were stronger. 

This was something they had done only a handful of times, connecting to the bond at the same time. It wasn’t any more difficult than when each connected individually, but the connection tended to be more intense, the feeling of the other’s presence nearly overwhelming. 

Iruka took a deep breath, closing his eyes and focusing on Kakashi, on the space between them where the bond would manifest itself. 

He saw it in his mind, the blue and green cord that linked them together, the red thread running through. The colors were... not as vibrant as they had once been, but looked better than they had that night in the hospital. Kakashi was at the end of the cord, a smile gracing his face. One of his canines was poking into his bottom lip. Iruka smiled at the comforting sight, a piece of normalcy amongst the chaos that his mind had been thrown into because of Mizuki. 

“Better?” Kakashi asked, holding the cord in one hand toward Iruka. 

“It’s not as strong as it was,” Iruka replied, reaching out to touch the cord gingerly, as if it might disintegrate. 

“It will heal, just as you will, love. I promise,” Kakashi said, reaching for Iruka’s hand, twining their fingers together. 

Iruka opened his eyes, back on the couch, Kakashi was already looking at him. He was enveloped in the warmth of Kakashi’s love, the feeling permeating his entire being. His whole body felt the tingle of their bond. 

“You should rest now,” Kakashi said, helping Iruka to his feet. 

“Alright.” He didn’t bother arguing, knowing that Kakashi would be stubborn about this. “Oh, what did the Hokage want?” 

“Just checking in, asked about how you were doing,” Kakashi said nonchalantly, but irritation slipped through the bond. 

Iruka stopped walking toward their room, turning to face Kakashi, leveling him with a look. 

“Apparently having a giant shuriken launched into your back doesn’t exonerate you from being suspected of treason,” Kakashi ground out from between clenched teeth. His jaw twitched from the strain. 

“They... think I’m a traitor?” The hurt washed over Iruka, replacing the warmth of Kakashi’s love. 

“It is protocol to investigate anyone with close ties to those who reveal themselves as a traitor to the village, but I would think that almost dying at the hands of said traitor would be good enough reason to not suspect you. It doesn’t matter though, it’s been taken care of.” 

“That doesn’t make it any better, Kakashi. I would give my life for this village; I've dedicated myself to teaching the children that will become shinobi of this village. Yet they still suspect me of treason?” 

Kakashi stepped close to Iruka, wrapping his arms around Iruka’s waist gently, his hands resting on the small of Iruka’s back. 

“My love, it doesn't matter what they think. You are a good man and you are loyal, to me, to the village, to the children you teach. That is what matters. I will not let anything more happen to you,” Kakashi said, his tone turning hard at the end. Regret and guilt weighed heavily upon the bond. 

Iruka placed his hand on Kakashi’s cheek, the other wrapping around Kakashi’s arm, “I’m sorry for what I said last night. I don’t blame you for not being there.” 

“I should have been there.” 

“Kakashi, there was no way you could have known what was going to happen. You weren’t even in the village.” 

“It doesn’t matter. I wasn’t there to protect you, to protect Naruto. I know how much he means to you.” 

“You can’t be there to protect me all the time. Sometimes bad things happen,” Iruka’s voice was quiet. 

Kakashi huffed a little, “you almost died. That’s a little more than a ‘bad thing,’ Iruka.” 

Iruka gave Kakashi a soft smile, barely an upturn of his lips, “but I’m still alive; I’m still here in your arms, right?” 

Kakashi nuzzled Iruka’s palm, giving a low growl. “I don’t know what I would do without you, my love. You are everything to me.” 

“It’s going to take a lot more than some asshole with a fuma shuriken to kill me. I’m not going anywhere, not for a very long time. It may not be realistic, but I plan on the two of us growing old together.” 

“Quite the dreamer I’m in love with,” Kakashi replied, rubbing his nose against Iruka’s. 

Iruka laughed, the sound a whisper between them, “and don’t you forget it.” 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! i appreciate each and every kudos and comment! 
> 
> stay safe and healthy out there! 
> 
> find me on [tumblr](https://stupidbadgers.tumblr.com).


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